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After a month of practice with clenched butt cheeks, I think I'm finally ready for hot cheese.

It's the night before the Who Can Spend An Hour Sitting On Something Ridiculous Olympics. We've been training for months, massaging, stretching, strengthening and conditioning our rumps for that glorious moment when we will all spend an hour sitting on something ridiculous on the global stage as a message to the world that there is hope for unity after all.

All of us want to win. To be like Arthur Widgewell, who founded the sport in 1983 by spending three weeks sitting on a chocolate covered copy of the constitution of Bolivia. That was before all the safety rules were written, of course. Back then, people spent superhuman amounts of time sitting on on ridiculous things with much wilder abandon.